Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Thoughts on Punishment

Some time ago, I was asked to write up my thoughts on punishment in the BDSM scene by a friend on Fetlife, and this is what I subsequently wrote... I thought it would be a good something to post here while I get started on writing other things...


Some Thoughts on Punishment

First of all, let me say that all of my comments and or suggestions come from my own little world of experience, observations, and creativity. Those that know me, know that I can get up on a soapbox and blather on for some time, so if you are a masochist in that way, keep reading.....

Also, while I can be an egotistical ass at times, I am not trying to imply that I came into the scene and was Mr Perfect Dom by any means... I would say that it took me over 15 yrs to settle into myself as a Dom, and still learning... Punishment was just something that I 'got' from early on...

I have always understood punishment to be something that is supposed to act as a deterrent, to change a behaviour, so when I first came into the BDSM world many moons ago, I was surprised by the number of submissives that I ran into that would 'act up' so that they would be 'punished' by getting a spanking...

It was obvious to me that these ladies were enjoying the spankings, so it was merely rewarding negative behaviour in my book. There was more than one sub that got a bit of a shock when they tried that with me and I didn't spank them, but gave them what I considered to be a punishment...

For me, punishments follow a few rules, punishments must be:
For known infractions
Timely
Not done in/when angry
Proportionate
Consistent
and most of all
Effective

For known infractions
In all honesty, I do not have a lot of issues that I flat out state that will result in punishment. Normally for me, in a new relationship, I start it out (when discussing punishment) by telling the submissive that she will basically have one freebie on everything; that if she does something that will end up crossing over into punishment territory, there will be a discussion about the action and the knowledge that if X,Y, or Z happens again, there will be a punishment that follows. I have found that it easier than trying to think of any and everything that might be a punishable offense.

Timely
I like it best when there can be an almost immediate application of punishment (there are exceptions that I will mention at the end). If there has been a blatant infraction of a known rule, there is no warning, no "if you keep this up" type comments, just swift and effective action. For myself, I have found that I have to be prepared to deny myself things to deal with punishment. I have left restaurants early, and missed seeing movies because the behaviour of the person I was with needed an adjustment. In these situations, I let the person know that there is added displeasure and disappointment as a result of my evening being disrupted.

Not done in/when angry
I have had very rare occasion to mete out punishment as a result of an action that got me angry, but at these times, I isolated the sub (kneel there and do not move/stand in the corner/etc) until I was calm enough to address the infraction calmly and without malice. Anger can be just as dangerous as alcohol in the sense that if you are angry, you can say things, or act in physical ways that you will regret later, and more importantly, erode trust.

Proportionate
I think of this as the don't swat a fly with a 2 X 4 rule. For example, your sub forgets to add sugar to your coffee, is that really worth 100 hard cane strokes?? Well, not in my book... To use an example that I actively use, I do not like to be kept waiting, so if I tell my sub a time to be ready/show up and they are late, there is a punishment. I use cane strokes across the soles of the feet. It is normally one stroke per minute, however if they are extremely late, then I usually will go one stroke per minute up to 15 minute, then one more stroke per every 5 minutes.

Consistent
If something is a punishable offense once, it is punishable every time. (An exception to this can be the qualification of situational items at the first punishment) I have found through personal experience (part of my growing as a Dom) and through discussion with submissives, that inconsistency around punishable items is just confusing to submissives, and ultimately they have thought of me (and other Doms) as not being real good Doms, the kind that they find reasons to look elsewhere.

Effective
This in many ways really is the most important, because if your punishments are not effective, then none of the above really matters. It is important to find out what works with your submissive. One that I will say is very effective, almost like a punch to the gut is to tell your sub that you are disappointed in them/their behaviour...
Getting feedback can be one of the best ways that I have found to get this information. That and depending on the dynamic of your relationship, having your submissive come up with punishments can be very effective. I have ordered submissives to come up with a selection of things that they know they will not like, and yet are within their limits to be used as punishment. I have found that usually they will be honest (after some smart ass answers "I would HATE to have to be taken to a nice dinner and dessert"). For attention whore submissives, isolation is great. Now there was some discussion about this tapping into issues from past abuses and whatnot, with any punishment, find out if you are going to be tapping into past triggers. Some have them, some don't. I have found "Public attention" effective as well. I have had submissives write up an essay on what they did wrong, why it was bad, and why they will not do it again, and then they must present it in some sort of public forum; online, in front of peers from the local group, etc. Physical punishments are one of those things that can be tricky. As was stated, so long ago at the beginning of this, if you are dealing with someone that loves to be spanked, can you spank them as a punishment. Well yes and no. I will often use a paddling for punishment, but it is different than any sort of play paddling. For one, the tone around punishment usually dampers any sort of 'play vibe' and I will have a specific 'punishment paddle' that is only brought out for punishment so there is no other association with it. (Or like with the caning the feet item, I do not do that in play, only as punishment) I also usually keep the number of strokes to a small-ish number, 5 for a first offense, 10 for a second, but they are not light fun stroke/swats. With the combined effect of no warm up, the attitude and atmosphere of disappointment, and the intensity of the strokes, I have had subs that have never shed a single tear in extreme play break out in tears at the first stroke.

A few last things then I will shut the hell up (and if you made it this far, I am amazed... I almost left halfway through...)

There are always exceptions to rules... For example, on the timely issue, sometimes it is actually more effective if they have time to anticipate what is coming, or you may be in a situation that leaving, or immediate punishment is just not viable. If you have established yourself as someone that normally does take care of things effectively and immediately, they will know that when you say "wait until we get home" they are in trouble.

Also, for me, I have found that (depending on the severity of the punishment) giving aftercare after punishment is a very good thing. Just because they did something that broke a rule, or required punishment does not mean you care about them any less, or that you think poorly of them, and spending some time comforting them and telling them these things goes along way to stem a lot of anxiety.

One last note is that in my book, punishment does not have to be 'fair'. To use my time punishment as an example. She gets stuck in traffic because of an accident. Could she have known this was going to happen? Could she have made it not happen? No... But, Did she show up on time? No.

Off with the shoes then....


There was a follow up question and my response-

@Freakbear - I hope that you are still monitoring this post... One question please - You wrote:

One last note is that in my book, punishment does not have to be 'fair'. To use my time punishment as an example. She gets stuck in traffic because of an accident. Could she have known this was going to happen? Could she have made it not happen? No... But, Did she show up on time? No.

Why? Why would you punish her for something she had zero control over? What does this teach her? What does she learn from this? How can she improve herself or better serve you? Should she always plan to arrive at a given destination 30 minute early to avoid a supposed traffic jam?

I do not understand why she would be punished for this?


Freakbear responded-

@#######- First, I will say that this is not something I am advocating that others do unless it fits their individual dynamic.

And that is why I do it with a couple of the individuals that I have this style relationship with. It is very black and white thinking, which in our dynamic, is how rules/orders are. One way that I look at it is similar to working for a corporation that has a very strict tardiness policy. Do they care that the bus that you have ridden every day to work had trouble this one time, no, they look at the fact that you were tardy, so you get a right up. Can you justify the reason that you were tardy, yes, does it change the fact that you were late, no. It then falls upon the person in charge to decide if they are going to let it slid, or be a hard ass.

I am a hard ass. This is not to say that there are not times that I let it slide, or even make the punishment 'light' when there are extenuating circumstances.

To address your query as to what does she learn from it, well a few things. First and foremost, it demonstrates that if I have laid down a rule, that I stick to it. Secondly, it teaches (along with some conversation) that if something comes up, to contact me ahead of time. I am much more lenient if I get a call saying that something is up rather than just sitting waiting, knowing only that she is late.

Again, I will say that this is they dynamic that works for us. It did not appear overnight, nor without many discussions of what direction we both wanted the relation to take. I wholeheartedly recommend that everyone make relationship fit what trip their triggers rather than trying to make yourself fit some relationship mold.

I hope this helps clarify my position, if not, please ask more questions..

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